by Joly. more or less
apologies are hard lmao. everyone just sort of expects you to know how?? and never explains it?? and maybe you figured it out on your own. but also maybe you didn’t. no shame in that, we had to work it out as a teenager.
but honestly it's a super useful skill to have. it's social bullshit, sure, but it's one of those social bullshit things that's actually useful because it basically Is the way to show you're sorry for doing something. and nobody's perfect, everyone's had to apologise for something. unless you're like 3 days old. but I digress
enough yapping. you probably want to just get to the point
that apply to most if not all apologies. this is just what we've been able to observe, but these have seemed pretty univerally applicable to us.
1: ONLY APOLOGISE ONCE. don't do it more than you need to. apologise once and leave it. this one can feel super counterintuitive - the more I apologise the more sorry I seem, right? - but that's not the effect in practice
with minor mistakes, they usually pass naturally, which is better for everyone involved really. apologising more than necessary draws it out, which makes it not pass like it otherwise could
with larger mistakes, apologising more than necessary diverts the topic, if that makes sense. social rules mean it's common to reassure someone a bit if they're apologising, so if you apologise more than necessary they might end up feeling pressured to reassure you more and it centers you instead of them, which isn't the intended effect. this isn't to say that's your intent! often it isn't. but it ends up doing that sometimes
there is an exception here. if you're not the one to bring it up in discussion, apologising again is probably fine. but try to match the contextual tone they bring it up in. like if it's joking, return a joking apology. if it's serious, reply briefly but genuinely. so on
2: BE GENUINE. unless it's a joking context, in which case most of these rules don't really apply. but if it's not? being genuine is super important. I know it's easier said than done with all the social rules about what it means to be genuine. honestly I've resorted to "this is genuine, tone is hard" before
that said, one of the main things is to focus on the effect on the other person, not on your intent. don't try to justify yourself, unless maybe it's a very small mistake that you don't have a history of making
3: RESOLVE TO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE. this part doesn't need to be out loud! it can just be mental. but like. if you misgender someone, make a mental note not to do that again. if you took someone's lunch, stop taking their lunch. if you make the same mistake several times the perceived severity gets worse because it can start coming off like you don't care if it hurts others. which probably isn't your intent
a lot of the other guidelines depend on how big of a mistake you made, lol
like a "Canadian apology" type situation. someone else is in a bad situation and you want to express sympathy
avoid “my bad” type statements, they're not relevant to this sort of apology. phrases like “that's a lot to be dealing with” are your friend here, things that express condolences about the situation without language that expresses fault. because, y'know, it isn't your fault
like you accidentally misgendered someone or brought up a topic that's rough for them? you stepped on someone's foot?
brevity is key here. apologise genuinely and then move on. "oh shit sorry!" or in the case of misgendering or other verbal mistakes, just correct yourself when you realise. and then don't dwell on it, otherwise it drags it out
like you intentionally did something, but it's not huge. maybe you took someone's lunch. borrowed your roommate's favourite pants without asking. that sort of shit
express you're sorry. say you know you made a mistake. express intent not to do it again and then follow through with that intent
like massive trust violation type shit?
same rules as before, but keep tempered expectations. let the person you're apologising to set the speed of amends! if they've blocked you, don't evade the block to apologise. if they've requested time to cool off, give them that time. don't expect to be instantly trusted again. do expect things to feel off for a while. they may not offer forgiveness or closure, and that's their decision
some things don't need to be apologised for. it's usually fine to, just not really necessary. examples of when you don't need to: having needs, requesting accessibility accommodation, etc. if you do, keep it brief ("hey sorry but [request]" is usually fine, for example) and if you get a response in the vein of "don't worry", "no need to be sorry" etc, don't insist. usually if someone's saying that, their mind isn't going to be changed by your insistence, so it doesn't go places. it's fine to have whatever feelings you have about it, but verbalising them past that point just doesn't do much. usually I'll end up discussing it elsewhere, where involved people can't see it, if it keeps bothering me
go make some amends. spread some sympathy. express your apologies. request your pardons